| Digital Army |
[09 Feb 2010|04:53am] |
Beat Mass Effect 2, now the real fun gets to start since I get to play through the game again as an idiot. I love games that let you choose what you say/do because after you play it through as a hero the first time, you get to go back and make all the moron choices.
I used to do that all the time with those Choose your own adventure books to. The choices would be like "Should you A: turn right down the road or B: keep walking off the edge of the cliff?"
I would choose B: and then turn to page 123 where it would say "You're dead" and I would laugh.
Good times.
In other news, Nikki and I took our dog to a dog park for the first time ever. I thought he was going to freak out and bark and go ape shit insane but instead (aside from all his nervous drooling) he was a good dog. And thats nice, since just because we don't have any friends out here our dog shouldn't be forced to be friendless.
Do you people realize that if it wasn't for the comments I get on here and email, I wouldn't have any friends? Man that's weird. Thanks internet, you're more important than you know.
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| We're taking over this town. |
[06 Feb 2010|02:15am] |
Tonight I caught another 9 Mexys in two different groups since, when it rains its like Mexy's gone wild on the border. Mainly because, we have to open the grates and they can just run right through. As impressive as 9 Mexys is (Because it is very hard to catch that many in a day), here is a more impressive statistic.
The 9 bodies mean I have now caught 33 Mexys this year.
Last year I didn't catch 33 until April 5.
Now if you couple that with the fact that much much less Mexys are crossing lately, well shit son, I feel pretty good.
Not to mention that last year, I caught a total of 125... which means I have already caught 27% of that and it is still the beginning of February.
Yeah, whats up now?
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| And now a scary story |
[31 Jan 2010|03:01pm] |
Two days ago something scary happened to me. As a sort of plot teaser, I will begin this story by saying that our BORSTAR rescue unit was called in to come rescue me.
Ok, that should hopefully make you say WTF?
So I will begin this story by laying some geography on you. If you drive to the Southern most Western corner of the United States of America you will hit the ocean. If you go North from there you will walk on a beach for about a mile or so before you hit a huge river mouth.
However, if during your walk you go East, you will walk into what is on the Southern half known as the Salt Flats and on the Northern half known as the Sloughs. Now the Salt Flats aren't that bad. You will get a little wet and walk through squishy parts but for the most part, it isn't that dangerous.
North of what we call the Horse Trail which you can drive down is the area known as the Sloughs. During the dry season this area is easy to traverse. However, we have had crazy rain here over the last month which means, there are rivers and tributaries and squishy Never Ending Story mud everywhere.
Our story starts with our Scope operator spotting a body North of the Horse Trail. Me and my friend get there after a few minutes and he jumps out and starts running up the East side of a river and I up the West since Scope had the guy on the West side and I figured there was a better chance to catch him this way.
Well I ran, I ran and I ran and I ran. I would stop every few minutes to catch my breath and then I would run some more. For a while Scope had me running East but for the most part I was running through squishy squish North. At one point during the chase I jumped over a little 2 1/2 foot wide stream and though nothing of it.
On I ran, at this point everyone else had given up and was South of me but I continued the pursuit because, fuck that guy. Scope said he saw him going in the river so I quickened my pace since at this point I was following a pretty wide river and had his foot prints in the grass.
When I came to the 50 foot river he was maybe 15 feet across. I tried to get him to come back but he wouldn't so I let everyone know where he was. The good news is, he got caught a little later. The bad news is I had been running for probably 15-20 minutes, and this was coupled with the fact that earlier in the day I had climbed the side of an enormous hill that is crazy steep in an attempt to catch a guy.
But I digress.
After about thirty minutes I decided that whoever was North would hopefully be able to find the guy without me shining a light at my last had and began walking back. The part that sucks is, it was a full moon. The reason this sucks is, when high tide came in it came in with a quickness. This means that after walking back South for probably an hour I was unable to find where I crossed. I eventually followed the river back closer to the beach and found two of my co-workers on the other side of a 30-40 foot river.
I told (yelled) them the situation and we brainstormed for a while but couldn't figure out what to do. Also, despite being California, since we are so close to the ocean and it was a January night, it was between 40-45 degrees and I could see my breath. After much debate I told them I would try to go back and find a narrower spot to cross the water and get back to them since it looked like if I could cross one tributary I would be safe.
I walked about 300 yards following the river and came to a place where there was what looked like a sand bank. So here I am, middle of the night, stranded, and now I am about to strip down to my tighty-whiteys and a white short sleeved undershirt in an attempt to cross a river. My life sucks.
So now I'm damn near naked, I take my gun belt, pants, and shirt and tie them up inside my jacket like a hobo. Then I take my bullet proof vest and throw it across the river. See, I thought what I was looking at on the other side would be solid, but when my vest hit, it splashed. When I threw my boots which went farther, they splashed.
This worried me.
So now I am in a river, in the dark, in my underwear. The water is up to my chest but fortunately no higher since, I am carrying my jacket above my head. I get to the other side and am walking through knee deep mud. I have to walk fast because if I slow down I sink more. I grab the rest of my gear and thankfully make it to wear there is no more mud or wet.
At this point I decide to just walk back to my friends in my underwear since I figure there is no point changing back into my clothes if I am just going to have to cross another fucking river.
So I am walking, and shivering, and carrying my heavy ass clothes and boots and vest and gunbelt. I can see where my friends are, and where I thought I could get too but here is the problem. What I thought was one river, is two. And now I have a river North of me and South. As I walk West towards my friend I start sinking in mud. At first it is ankle deep, then it is knee deep, then it is up to my waist and I am momentarily stuck.
That is a horrible feeling. Because I didn't know how far I would sink, and later I found out that they once had a guy out where I was that sunk up to his neck and was literally about to drown when a helicopter found him and managed to airlift him the fuck out.
So I figure that if I fall over on my side, I can wiggle a leg out and start moving back towards where I was. I try one more time to get back to my friends but I encounter the same problem. So I tuck my tail between my legs and go back to a "safe" spot. It is still wet and spongy but I am not sinking. I am covered in mud up to my underwear at this point, but my clothes are still dry which is nice.
I get dressed, and call my friend to let him know the situation. He asks if I think I could swim across where they were initially at and I tell him at this point, I am so cold and tired that I don't even know if I could get back across where I already went.
He calls the inside supervisor and they call our rescue unit. Before this happens my cellphone dies. Shortly after this heavy fog rolls in. FUCK!
I watch as my friends lights slowly blur away into the fog and I listen on the radio as they say that they will try to have a boat to me in an hour or so. That is frustrating because when we had Mexys stranded, they had help within 20 minutes. For me, it was going to take hours? Thanks.
So I'm waiting and trying to think back on all the Bear Gryliis shows I have seen and Survival shows and in my head I am thinking "I should make a fire" but, everything is wet, and I don't have a lighter, and yeah. Life sucks.
After waiting in the cold for 30 minutes I see a laser coming towards me and I think "OH FUCK, ALIENS!"
The green lazer shoots around for a bit and I flash my flashlight at it since, even aliens would be appreciated at this point. After a minute I see a huge boat light and figure I am saved. Then the boat light drops down to ground level and I am severely confused.
Turns out, one of my coworkers that was with me initially (on the other side of the river) found away across the river way farther North where there was a hard sandbar. Later he told me that he was actually sort of lost and just stumbled upon it. So he gets close to me on the other side of the river where I initially was and asks how I am doing. I tell him and then ask if we can get back to the beach. He says yes, but tells me that if I am not 100% sure I can make it back across where I crossed, not to do it since help is on the way.
I tell him that if I can walk out of that situation I am going to do everything in my power to do that since it is already embarrassing enough. We walk back to my 15 foot river and I throw him my boots. This time I leave my vest on which; was a mistake because it made me slightly heavier. Before I strip down I yell and say "Sorry man, you're going to have to see me in my underwear"
He yells back "Thats ok, I knew the dangers of this job when I signed up"
Nice to be laughing for a little, then my clothes are off and tied into my coat. My shivering is much worse and I am starting to question my sanity. With my gear above my head I start to cross again but like I said, this time I was heavier and I am sinking into the mud like I was earlier. I sink to my waist and now I am in a river not moving.
Fortunately I am not sinking further but I had to laugh because, what a shitty night. My co-worker tells me I can make it so after a brief struggle I wiggle out and get to where the river is deep but, not muddy. I make it to the other side and for the first time in the night I don't feel like I am going to wind up like Atreyu's horse Artex. If that reference doesn't make sense to you, you are a sad sad person.
I get dressed, make my way back towards the beach and am told I can go home if I want. Instead, I go back to the station, take a super fast shower, get back into a clean uniform and my co-worker and I go back into the field for an hour and managed to catch someone.
HOORAY!
I will post a picture of me in the aftermath in a little bit.
Hope you enjoyed the story, it was a horrifying experience that I will undoubtedly never ever EVER fucking repeat.
Picture 1: Picture of me in locker room after this ordeal:
Picture 2: Family Circus style map of where I travelled. I think my problem was, I never found that litle in-between East path located just above "Finish" either because it filled with water or I was just disoriented because everything looks the same out there:
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| I want a taco |
[28 Jan 2010|02:13am] |
Caught another 5 Mexys tonight, putting my total for the year so far at 16.
Which; is 6 higher than I was at last year at this time. Proof that even the best ninja can become better.
Right now I am all muddy since I had to run through some muddy trails and along the bank of muddy tributaries, and along the beach on the ocean. The fact that I get paid, to basically go be Calvin and Hobbes on a daily basis is still amazing to me. Like seriously, what the fuck?
I wish I would have known about this job when I was a kid because if someone had said to me "WHY DON'T YOU GROW UP! or "ACT YOUR AGE" I;d have been like "Pfffft, whatever square, go push some papers around... I'm gonna go run around and act crazy and jump my car off of ditches and drive through flooded roadways and chase people and play adult hide and go seek and be awesome."
Sadly, I did NOT know about this job back then.
My point being, The Border Patrol is awesome. It fucking sucks a fat cock at first because of all the training, but once you get past all that bullshit that takes about a year... holy crap, talk about a fun work environment.
With that being said, enough about me. Somebody congratulate my girlfriend for completing her classes for Veterinary Assistant. She starts her internship later this week and has all sorts of awards and pins and other shit because she is smart and did super great amazing in her classes.
I am very proud of her and you all should be too. I don't know why you all should but my theory is, I am a really good judge of things to be proud of and am rarely proud of anyone or anything so, that being said, CLAP YOUR COLLECTIVE LIVEJOURNAL HANDS for my wonderful girlfriend.
Good job baby, you did great :) I love you.
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| Tick tock tick tock |
[23 Jan 2010|03:50am] |
Life is a bomb
with a trigger called time.
Everyone gets
To watch their clock explode.
Take a deep breath
Everything ends soon.
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| I WANT IT NOW |
[18 Jan 2010|08:03pm] |
And now, the best videogame trailer ever created.
Of course I am a little biased since, I sort of am severely in love with the source material but...
HOLY CRAP! I already ordered the 100 dollar special edition that comes with a face hugger. So excited. Oooooooooo I WANT IT NOW!
Anyway, here is the bestest most violentest greatest videogame trailer in the history of forevers! BEHOLD!
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| A post to offend. |
[17 Jan 2010|08:12pm] |
In my last livejournal post Stuff wrote: "dude you can fix anything with duct tape."
And my reply was: "Yeah, except for Aids."
HAHAHAHAAAHAHHAHHAAHAHA
I just wanted to post that here because man, I don't know, in my head I picture someone trying to fix the Aids Virus with Duct tape and it is the funniest fucking thing I have ever had running around my head.
And speaking of Aids, How about Haiti?
I have seen a billion posts, news stories, tv commercials, everything about Haiti. Heres the problem though.
Its Haiti.
Show me a map and tell me to point to Haiti, I will probably point to the ocean and say "Somewhere around there"
I don't know where Haiti is, I don't know anyone who lives in Haiti, and as a result. Guess who doesn't give a fuck about Haiti?
Me thats who.
100,000 people dead, that sucks for them. Sort of like it sucked for the Tsunami people. And the Mudslide people. And the potato famine people, Etc etc etc... Tragic. The problem is, when I start hearing about how I have to help them I think to myself Ehhhhh, when was the last time Haiti helped me? If San Diego got leveled by a 52.3 Earthquake would Haiti come to the rescue?
Fuck no.
Did Haiti help with Katrina, or 911, or the war, or the one day when I had a bad stomach ache?
Nope.
So although I can say "That sucks" I really don't care.
If they want money from me they better be ready to give me something for it. Like for example, Hey Haiti... how bout you follow the example of that "Name a Star" website and let me "Name a street in the slums of Haiti"
I honestly might think about donating 10 dollars if it means that every time I go to Google Earth and type in "Haitian Disaster Area" I see my name on some dirt road. Talk about awesome.
This post is great, I love myself.
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| Popular Science Achievement of the Year. |
[16 Jan 2010|03:17am] |
Tonight a Mexy tried to get past us but, jumped back over the fence south before we could catch him. Once south, him and his friend got picked up by the Mexican Federal Police = Haha. While that was happening I jumped on top of my vehicle to see if they left anything south of the fence.
Sure enough, there was a 25 foot homemade rebar ladder.
I asked if anyone had any rope, or jumper cables, or anything else I could use to grab the ladder with since... it was in Mexico and it sort of looks bad if I jump over the fence on camera.
No one had anything, so I had a WWMGD moment. Also known as, What Would McGuyver Do?
So I found a tent stake in the back of my truck, along with a roll of duct tape. So I wrapped a bunch of tape around the tent stake which I bent into a U shape and then proceeded to make an 8 1/2 foot rope out of the duct tape.
I managed to hook the ladder on the south side but the problem was, the ladder had a heavy blanket attached to one end so that the Mexys wouldn't get cut when they climbed through the Concertina wire. But somehow, my amazing Duct-Rope was strong enough to pull it up.
Hooray for innovation!
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| Breaking news flash of MONUMENTAL IMPORTANCE! |
[12 Jan 2010|04:30pm] |
"The 12-year break is over and school is back in session. Sign up now. Knights of the Soundtable ride again!" - Chris Cornell
Yes thats right, the best band that ever existed is getting back together which means, I might finally get to see my favorite band of ALL TIME!
Some people might disagree with me that Soundgarden is the best band of all time but, these people are called idiots. And if pressed to name the best band ever they would say something gay like "The Beatles". Man, shut up Grandpa. The Beatles are great if you want to take a nap in a field. But if you want to rock your balls off, its Soundgarden all the way. ALWAYS!
In order of greatness, here are my five favorite Soundgarden songs:
1. Outshined: Also known as the greatest song of ALL TIME
2. Rusty Cage: Without a doubt, this was the BEST SONG in the SUPERB videogame Road Rash 2
3: Spoonman: Most people love Black Hole Sun off Superunknown but, compared to Spoonman, Black Hole Sun can suck it.
4: Jesus Christ Pose: The third song I picked from Bad Motor Finger. This song is sweet.
5: Ty Cobb: With lyrics "Hard headed, fuck you all" and a mandolin played crazy fast. I'm happy.
So there you have it, the best band ever will once again take over the world and destroy all the little retard fake heavy bands that plague the radiowaves. Soundgarden will rise again like the mighty Godzilla and lay waste to the abysmal soundscape that has been slogging across the Frequency Modulation wave for far too long.
All hail Soundgarden, keeper of the rock. And the world shivered, for it knew Soundgarden approached on a pale horse, and awesomeness followed in its wake.
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| Don't cry for me Argentina. |
[12 Jan 2010|04:19am] |
In case you were wondering. So far this year I have worked 6 days, and caught 7 people.
And still, no one has thrown me any type of parade.
Fucking assholes.
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| This might interest you, or it might be really boring. Who knows? |
[04 Jan 2010|08:55pm] |
And now my 2009 work statistic breakdown:
108 Males caught
16 Females caught
1 Transsexual caught
2 on Bikes caught
1 Sledgehammer recovered
1 Acetylene torch recovered
1 Homemade ladder recovered
1 pair of wire cutters recovered
1 wrench recovered
1 car jack recovered
1 Incident where damage was done to my vehicle due to rocks
3 Incidents where my Pepperball Launcher was deployed
2 Incidents where my gun was drawn
Biggest group caught = 9
Most caught in one day = 18
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| Weirdification |
[03 Jan 2010|03:09pm] |
You know...
As someone who has spent 95% of my life in Michigan...
It is really fucking weird to see an ice cream truck selling ice cream...
On January 3rd.
California = Odd
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| I WAANA POST PICTURES! |
[01 Jan 2010|09:49pm] |
So I got a new camera and it is pretty sweet. The other day I took a picture of tost, pushed a button on my camera, and VOILA! The camera spit out real french toast. Sort of incredible, it does it all. I am not a professional photographer like some of you but... I still like to use photography machine creations that the professionals call "Cameras" to record what my eyes see.
My new camera is crazy amazing and because of this I will post 6 pictures that I think are Swell-12000.
Ok so the first picture isn't anything super special. I was just playing with the Macro feature thing in the camera and took a picture of one of my favorite candys ever. The reason why I like it is because it wound up looking much much better than the candy did in real life. Which; is strange to me.
Up next is one of 3 pictures I took of my creepy little toy collectibles that I have displayed throughout the house. This one is from Todd McFarlanes "Little Red Riding Hood". This impressed me because I didn't know the creepy riding monster had blue veins in his stomach until I saw this picture.
This is a picture of my dog wearing his toy as a hat. Nothing special but, I love my dog a lot.
I shouldn't have to explain why this picture is awesome but I will. Gun, check. Gasmask, check. Bondage girl, check. Big Lebowski Bowling Ball, check. Perfect picture.
Speaking of perfect pictures!!! I FINALLY HAVE A CAMERA THAT CAN DO THE COOL BACKGROUND BLURRY THING!!! Seriously, I have wanted to get a blurry background for so fucking long but it never worked. But now, WHAMMY!
And last but not least, this is what a New Year's Day Sunset looks like in California. Brrrrrrr! Hahaha, suckers.
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| Nice try Mexico, nice try. |
[30 Dec 2009|02:40am] |
Hey Elisa, you can tell JZ that I have good news. Remember when he was talking to me when you guys were drunk at the club and he told me I had to catch at least 120 Mexys? And I was like, ummm, I have already caught 122 this year. And then he said "WELL THEN, 124!"
Well tonight I caught three more so my official number is 125 so, I have met drunken JZ's Mexy catchy goal!
I AM THE BEST!
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| The Newton Inn = Creeping Death |
[29 Dec 2009|01:10am] |
OK EVERYONE LISTEN UP!
NO SERIOUSLY, THIS IS GOING TO MAKE YOUR DAY!
NO DAMN IT, FOR REAL! I know I lie a lot and try to convince people and then at the last minute pull the rug out from under them but... what I am about to show you in my opinion is on par with Danger Bike and Houdini Dog. It is a video review of my August 2008 stay in a fucking horrible motel called the "Newton Inn" located in shitfuck Iowa.
I know my camera blurs a little but, I wasn't the one working in the Korean factory who installed a faulty focus feature so don't blame me for that. Because the rest of the video is a god damn goldmine. Or maybe I just think I am really really super extra funny. Because I was laughing almost to the point of tears.
Anyway, consider it my late Christmas gift to all of you since this bastard took me like 2 hours to upload even though it is only 5 or 6 minuts long. THANKS YOUTUBE! Ok ok ok, enjoy the video, I hope you laugh and if you do, please click on it and leave me some type of comment either in here or preferably on the video itself.
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| Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas |
[28 Dec 2009|07:58pm] |
You know, it seems like science has discovered a lot of important things. I just read the other day that they had finally completed a hundred percent mapping of the cancer genome or whatever the hell they were talking about. I don't know what that means, but smart people probably use it in important and interesting ways.
HOWEVER!
When are they going to be able to tell me why every time I take my dog out to go to the bathroom... He has to play some sort of insane canine version of Minesweeper.
He zigs he zags goes in a circle, stops, sniffs, resets, searches. As if if he drops a deuce in the wrong place an imaginary landmine will kill us all. Seriously dog, what the fuck? What do you see/smell? Is it like Predator vision only with radiating stink lines? or some type of aromatherapy gone horribly wrong?
I have to know, and scientists need to stop working on AIDS for a second and divert some of the people trying to help Jerry's kids (Whom they haven't been able to help for like 50 years anyway) and figure out this dog minesweeper issue.
With that being said, this post had fuck all to do with Christmas but I didn't think anyone would care to read it if I titled it "My dog shits weird". Actually, nobody probably wants to read about Christmas anymore either. Damn it.
----------------------------------------------
Its weird to me that the only people I got a card from this year were my parents. Technically Andrea, Jesse and Elaine, Jesse's mom, and Nikki's uncle all sent us cards but, that was more like 95% Nikki 5% Chad. I guess that is what happens when you never send cards to anyone ever. Sorry everybody, maybe next year I will make an effort to contact everyone and not be... I don't really know that word for it but yeah. We'll see.
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| Hey do you like Zombies? |
[22 Dec 2009|01:06pm] |
If you don't, its probably because you are an 11 year old girl that spends all her time masturbating to the Twilight movies which; is fucked up.
But, if you're not an over-sexed 11 year old girl chances are you LOVE zombies! Everyone loves zombies, who wouldn't? I mean, here is a quick run down of zombie related stuff.
Dawn of the Dead = scarier than damn near every scary movie. Why? Fast zombies are horrible!
Zombie Survival Guide = BEST survival book EVER written. Why? Surviving zombies is AWESOME!
World War Z = Best oral history EVER WRITTEN! Why? Because recalling the horror of a zombie outbreak is INCREDIBLE!
Call of Duty Nazi Zombies = Best World War 2 Shooter ever coded. Why? Killin Nazi's is awesome, but Nazi zombies is like, WHOA AWESOME!
So with that being said, I would all like you to take the time to experience a little gem (Or at least, experience it if you have an XBOX 360) called:
I MAED A GAM3 W1TH ZOMBIES 1N IT!!!1
I know what you are thinking, HOW AN I GET THIS!?!!!?!!??????
Well, it is on Xbox Live arcade in the Indie Games section, and IT ONLY COSTS A FUCKING DOLLAR! The song alone is worht a dollar. Now true, there are no achievements, and you can't play against others online. But, four people can play, and any party would not be complete without this game. My record is like 750,000 points.
It goes from a Robotron type zombie shooter, to Aseroids, and back again. The Youtube video only shows the easy beginning, but it gets insanely challenging near the end.
So check it out, unless you are an eleven year old girl that is.
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| Holy Crap |
[19 Dec 2009|12:39am] |
If you like World War 2 you should see the movie Defiance. Its a true story about Jews in Belarussia that fought back. Really long movie, but I liked it more than Schindler's List and would put it up there with Saving Private Ryan since it is amazing. A perfect combination of fighting / surviving / and drama to make it interesting the entire time.
So if you are looking for a movie to watch, trust me, Defiance is awesome. Like holy crap awesome.
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| Best Christmas card ever |
[18 Dec 2009|04:04pm] |
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Andrea, I don't know if you still use livejournal but if so, I decided to use that Christmas card you sent us as my icon which; I haven't changed in over a year. I would post a bigger picture of it, but I don't want people stealing it since I love it a lot. Anyway, that is really cool, thanks for taking the time to do that. Once I get my good camera I might try taking a super sized photo of it so I can make it into a big picture to frame. Amazing
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| Run run as fast as you can, you'll never escape me, I'm the Mexy catching man. |
[13 Dec 2009|02:40am] |
Remember when I wasn't sure if I would get to 104 apprehensions this year?
Yeah, well tonight I caught 18 Mexys. Including my largest group ever with a grand total of 9.
Whats up now Mexico? No seriously, whats up now?
I also did more running than I have ever done at any job in my entire life. It will be a small victory for me if I am able to get out of bed without some type of hoist pulley system tomorrow.
Its nice to be at a job where if someone said "Tell me something crazy that has happened at your job. I wouldn't have to think back a couple of years, or even months. I would probably be able to throw out something insane that happened in the last couple of days.
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